He was asleep. Fast asleep.
I’ll hop in the shower for a beat—just a beat—as it’s been a couple days since a shower has happened. Ew.
I buffered his little sleeping spot on the bed and then turned the shower water on to warm up. This will be quick. Just a second to rinse and then I’ll return to mom-ness.
Three minutes in to the glory that was my shower, I heard the cry.
This cry was not the “I’m hungry” cry. It wasn’t the fart-cry (aka “I’m gassy”). It wasn’t the “My-arms-are-stuck-in-the-swaddle” cry.
It was the fear-cry. The kind of cry that searches for someone to be there. The kind of cry that fears the worst has happened. The kind of cry that senses abandonment in some form or another. I had never heard the fear-cry from this little one before, but I knew exactly what it was.
I heard it from the shower and bolted into the bedroom with conditioner still coating my hair.
“I’m here, Jett, I’m here. You’re ok—you’re ok.” He heard my voice and immediately settled back to sleep.
I popped back in the shower to finish rinsing and hop out quickly when the cry came back.
Where are you? Did you leave? Why aren’t you here? Am I alone? Even though he was barely two weeks old, his desperation communicated all of these things.
Jumping out of the shower once again, I grabbed a towel and ran in to the bedroom. I lifted his red, crying self to my chest and held him closely, saying with all my heart,
“I’m here, Jett, I’m here. I never left you. I’ve been here the whole time. I’m right here—you don’t have to be afraid. You don’t have anything to fear; I’m right here, and I have you. Momma’s here. You’re ok.”
It all came crashing down on me. God’s tender voice came swirling around and His presence met us there in that moment. He spoke over me the very words I was speaking to my own son.
“Kate, I have not left you. Remember that season when it felt as though I was gone? I have not, did not, and will not leave you. I saw every tear. I remember the drives when you cried and poured out your heart and questioned My motives. I was there. I am here. And I am Good. You have nothing to fear—haven’t I cared for you every step of the way? I am right here—you don’t have to be afraid.”
Tears fell. Surrounded by the presence of God, His voice spoke to every moment I questioned whether or not He even cared, whether or not He was even there.
I held my sweet son and got a glimpse of the Father’s love for me.
My friend, if you are questioning where He is, if He’s there, if He cares—He has you and will not leave you. Read His words to me with your name instead and let His sweet presence remind you that you are not alone.
He is saying those words with all His heart. He sees you, and He loves you more than words can say. You are not alone.
>>>Not one of all the Lord's good promises to the house of Israel failed; every one was fulfilled.<<< joshua 21.45