the sound of deconstruction

My guitar and I have been friends for about 11 years. For nearly 8 of those years the guitar’s plug-in system did not work, so I reluctantly had to borrow guitars whenever I needed to play plugged-in.

A gifted guitar-playing friend of mine gave my Taylor a look-over the other week and said he would take her in to a guitar shop in Laguna to have them see what could be done, and knowing that he knew what he was talking about, I excitedly agreed. 

A week went by—I got a text—I have some bad news... your entire system is shot. They are going to have to take off the neck of the guitar and work on the inside. They are also going to fix the action on the neck so it’s easier to play, but it will be a little bit longer.

—Ok—no prob.—

But break the neck? Mmk. I just have to trust that the pros know what they are doing, even when I can’t see the process for myself.

Sometimes, when you want things to work, the deconstruction of all things has to happen. When you’re running a marathon and can’t figure out why it’s so hard to run with a busted femur, you have to step out of the race, get that bone reset, give it some time {ahem, REST}, and then let the healing happen. 

This is how most of life is: a seed can’t become a fruit-bearing tree unless it dies in the dirt, dross cannot be taken out of the metal unless it surrenders to the flame, clay cannot be formed unless it’s slammed onto the table a few times, a malaised body cannot become well without a careful surgeons scalpel.

The past year has been beyond deconstructive. I prayed for breakthrough in 2017, and instead of getting the *glory* parts of breakthrough (which is what we all hope for!), I found that breakthrough could not happen without a complete loss of everything I thought I was and had. All my expectations, all my dreams, every single hope I had for family and ministry and “success” (whatever that means) was let go, and all I had to hold onto was Jesus.

I am telling you. When the Lord allows all the things that you hoped for to fall apart, and you are having to make some insanely brave choices in the middle of it all, it’s terrifying, but





Not once have I walked alone. I pulled community close, I pulled family close, I pulled my little guy close, I pulled accountability close, I pulled vulnerability close...

And you know what?

Jesus pulled me close to Him.

I leaned into His heart. His Good and gentle Spirit began to show me the deep insides of my own heart as it was tested in the flame of life’s deepest heartaches.

This was not what I wanted. It was so painful. A ripping away of my inner guts.

But when all you have is Jesus, He is more than enough. 

After months and months of walking through trauma and tragedy, through deconstruction and reconstruction, through loss of self and gain of Christ, I realize that I sound different. There is something that was accomplished so deep in me that was forged in the trial and I cannot quite make sense of how it happened, but I know that it had to have happened because of the trial, and because of what God can do in the midst of it.

I read in Romans 5 {go there for a GOOD WORD for your spirit!!!} that


produces perseverance 

[the ability to withstand difficulty, making you stronger!]


produces character

[who you are deep down... when no one is looking]


produces hope

[the unrelenting belief that Jesus is who He says He is and He will accomplish what He said He would]

and HOPE does NOT disappoint us!

I am heartbroken over this past season, but I am not disappointed in the work of God to accomplish His purpose. When my hope is in Jesus, He cannot fail, so my hope cannot fail. I am unrelentingly assured in this, and even more so now.

I received the guitar yesterday. She is STUNNING. The “action” on the fretboard is perfect, the system they put in is beautiful, and there is something extra about her...

She sounds different.

There is a fullness to her sound that can only come from the very deconstruction of her entire self, built up by that Master Craftsman who knows how to do the work the very best.

Friend, if you’re in deconstruction, and you’re surrendered to the God who can make all brokenness new, be prepared that it won’t be easy, but it will be Good.

And you’re gonna have new songs to sing on the other side, 

And you’ll probably sound different. 


**a quick aside... I am being intentionally vague about the goings-on of my personal life in order to protect all parties involved. For now, I will leave it at this. I have not walked things perfectly [as no one can], but I know I have walked them well, surrendered to Jesus, surrounded [willingly!] by accountability, and bathed in prayer led by Truth and Grace. If you know me, and you want to ask, you are welcome to. Love to you all. I pray this is a word of encouragement for someone in particular—it was heavy in my spirit this morning so, here you go. Blessings.